This is a collaboration with Dither. I will probably always remind you of that.
> Finn: Throw cow into Libertina’s gaping maw.
Easier said than done. UNCLE is the only person you know strong enough to toss a frozen bovine like a tennis ball. And even that ability had not been enough to save him from many a CLOSE SHAVE on its own. As has been mentioned, you are just a SKINNY TEENAGER who gets stuck with the crappiest chores.
Your feeding gear clanking reassuringly, you take hold of the cow’s front legs and slide it around to lie in front of you. Its icy back scrapes against the snow-basted gravel around Libertina’s enclosure. She whines more urgently as she watches you.
Her teeth look particularly sharp today. For a moment, you find yourself lost in the gleam of her fangs, in spite of the blizzard hampering your vision. Sharp as KNIVES, you think to yourself.
She rumbles impatiently, steam beginning to drift from her long face.
> Forget about feeding Libertina. Get out of there.
As attractive as that option is, you can’t just abandon your chores halfway. You’d never hear the end of it. And considering the importance of this particular dreadful chore, the end of it would probably be Libertina eating you.
You do have your GUN, but you tried it on her once. It only seemed to make her mad. And UNCLE did not let the incident slide until you performed an ACT OF HEROISM.
> Use fence to lever cow corpse into enclosure.
That sounds complicated, but you decide to give it a try. Usually you just throw rocks at Libertina until she snaps at you with her MIGHTY JAWS and accidentally scarfs down the cow instead. This is probably why it usually takes you almost an hour to feed her.
You lift the cow up by its back legs and lean it against the fence. At least, you attempt to. Although it is stupendous protection, your LIBERTINA-FEEDING GEAR limits your range of movement and lowers your maximum STRENGTH. Normally you have a great deal of the former, but never do you boast a lot of the latter. Actually, you always boast a lot of the latter, you just don’t have a lot when it comes down to it.
For the most part, your high STAMINA and SPEED compensate for the limitations imposted by the feeding gear. But this is a bigger task than just dragging the dumb ice-ified carcass. By the time you manage to prop the cow up against the fence, you are out of breath and can barely move. The feeding gear feels like a FULLY ACCESSORISED TURKISH BATH is sitting on you.
> Shed armour.
This seems like a good idea. At first.
With great difficulty, you take off the feeding gear and let it clatter into a heap in the snow. Without the heavy metal encasing your body, you are able to resume your work with the enormous beef-sicle with exponentially ease.
Unfortunately, Libertina appears to mistake your disrobing as an invitation to sample your tasty constitution.
> Scream like an angry girl and run away.
You are way too cool to do that.
However, you are not too cool to flip out and back up a few yards while Libertina chows down on a cow-fence hors d’oeuvre. Her enclosure has now become an exclosure. Or whatever you would call an area that is no longer completely surrounded by very tough fencing.
This is going to be difficult to explain to UNCLE. There may not be enough ACTS OF HEROISM to VINDICATE you.