I Have No Idea What You Meant

Started playing a bunch of RPG Maker games just for kicks this afternoon. Most of them, I deleted after playing for less than ten minutes. Just… no need to go into that. But this one, I fired up and started reading the intro–and just laughed my head off.

I’m a writer, I am allowed to laugh at bad writing.

So I wrote up a sort of riff track for it, keeping it inline with the intro text as it scrolled down. I didn’t go into this wanting to hate the game or make fun of it. It just invited me to do so.

“Dearest Sister,”

Oh no, I can already smell the complex.

“There was a lovely princess who was loved by everyone.

And then she went missing.”

She was taken by the Department of Redundancy Department who took her.

“The king in panic, called forth a band of heroes to retrieve the princess. Only to be slain by the Evil Overlord.”

…The king was slain by the Evil Overlord? Yes, that is what you said, writer. Here is a copy of Strunk’s Elements of Style.

“Upon the news, more people went to save her. Worried about how she is and what happened to her.”

Read. That. Book. You have a missing verb, a sentence fragment, and tense changes.

“We don’t know where they are now. Probably dead.”

That’s actually a decent line to what could be a compelling setup. Let’s see how you ruin it.

” ‘200 gold for this job?’ The musclehead named Erik said.”

That was faster than I expected, actually.

” ‘The King said that a lot of people are offering their services. We’re very late because someone was oversleeping.’ A vuloptous woman named Elicia said.”

So many… so many… Wow. I think ‘vuloptous’ is a Pokemon. Also, if people are just going out to find this missing princess (shades of Ozma), then why is anyone offering payment?

” ‘Naia doesn’t understand. Why would anyone kidnap the princess?’ The dimwit Naia said.”

This reminds me of poor stupid awful Pig in Journey to the West. Not the idiotic third person speech, but the mean description.

” ‘Everyone, we’ll get fully paid, once we get the job done.’

Sigh… It’s hard being the leader.”

Wha–oh yeah. I forgot, this is in a letter. …Wait. Who writes dialogue in letters?

“It doesn’t help the King didn’t even include a picture of the princess. The quest boards didn’t even have them. Nobody has seen the princess for years ever since the Queen died. How are we supposed to find her at this rate?”

This gets funnier the longer it goes on. It also makes less sense. Why is there payment at all? This sounds like it’s a kingdom-wide search mostly being performed by volunteers, so why are our heroes the only douchebags demanding money for a “job”?

And why would no one know what the princess looks like? Screw the given explanation, that is cheap and nonsensical. Or maybe it’s true. Even the king doesn’t know what his own daughter looks like now, so he assumes she’s missing when he finally goes to see her and she just happens to be in another room.

Also, what kind of setting is this? Kings and princesses in RPGs usually don’t go hand in hand with Kodak.

“I only pray that this quest will be over soon.”

I can only pray that this intro will end soon.

“Please be well sister.”

Looks like you need some commas. Here, I have plenty: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“Your loving brother, Remius”

Again, I am thinking of all the anime characters with sister-complexes. And although that name could be dumber, none of the names really sit well with each other or do anything to establish the setting.

I can’t wait to see what the rest of the game looks like.

I transcribed the intro with utter faith and no respect at all. I even checked it for typos.

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