Bravery vs Moving On

It is difficult to ask for something that you want.

Especially when you have to ask a person who has a history of saying no to you. It’s even worse if you think about it and realise that they don’t just say no, they also flake off after not saying no, and wincingly weasel away to the effect of a no without having to actually say that excruciatingly hard to blurt out two-letter word.

Not to digress completely, but I have a very hard time with people not directly saying an actual bloody No. There has to be a reasonable balance between Joss Whedon axing his own show thanks to impatience and giving people enough rope to hang you.

The point is, we all have things that we’ve wanted for a long time or used to have but don’t have now. Someone looking for a new D&D group. Anyone trying to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. Following up on a query letter.

Mine is email roleplay. I haven’t done it in forever, but it used to be the most fun thing I did. It was like writing and playing video games and reading a comic book at the same time. I also did all three of those things, so it was awesome. I’ve tried off on and for literal years to get Hubby interested. Some cases are rather stunning failures. I don’t know if it’s better or worse that one of my favourite characters came out of one of them.

We’ve all been playing D&D for a few years, and I’ve actually got (kind of) two different groups right now. So it’s not like I don’t get to roleplay, but it’s different. It is fun–right now I have a lot of characters, and two of them have amusing romances with NPCs. At its most awesome, the roleplaying at the table is like watching a movie and playing a video game. Not… not like writing at all. And not just because I’m not physically writing.

At this point, I don’t know if I should just let go of the idea of ever RPing through a writing medium (email or chat client) again. It always feels like a question of bravery when I want to ask someone about it. Because… not a solitary activity. Honestly, the loss of RP in my life is why I despise MMOs. Solitary things mean I can do them by myself, which means I can do them. Also, the answer is so rarely yes. Being brave enough to ask would be fine if it ever paid off, and it just hasn’t. In years.

Is it time to move on? On the plus side, I could stop having anxiety about being told no or being avoided like we’re smegging teenagers. But then there’s the fact that I would be consigning myself to The Rest of My Life not having something I want. Which is a bit shite.

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