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Not in Hospital just YET

sick

Although it was rather a near thing.

I contracted a nasty cold that may actually have been flu, or it was one and then t’other. There have been fever, hallucinations, and much less pleasant things. I could joke and blame the books I was reading at the time, but I could barely stay awake to read. This has been going on for days. Years? I’m still rather sick and not entirely clear.

Basically, I’ve either been asleep or in a fugue state. Today is the first time I’ve managed to touch a computer without wanting to put my face through it. Dang bright screens. I hope to get a review written for The Gunslinger, which I suffered through despite my extremity, in time to post it by this evening or tomorrow morning.

Fortunately, neither colds nor flu can bring on labour, so that’s one worry with which I haven’t had to contend. Even so, I’m 34 weeks and three days on. Last time, this would have been a week before giving birth. I didn’t see that one coming, so if it happens again, I’m sure I’ll be just as surprised. (and a bit peeved, since I’ve tried to prepare) Crossing my fingers that we’ll make it at least another two and a half weeks.

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Write Positive

ecstatic

Listening to: 하드캐리 Hard Carry – GOT7

The other day, I read an article… I don’t even remember what it was about now. I want to say it was about being productive as a writer, but it could also have been about managing chronic pain. They’re kind of the same thing.

There was a list of suggestions/tips, but the only one I remember was Be Positive. It’s so true, but I forget it. I’ve always had this curse of being too negative–I’m way worse in life than I think I’ve ever been on my blog. And I know it’s not a good thing. Is that ironic? I don’t know, it’s like in the past, it was this loop and I couldn’t break free.

People who are happy are more productive. They experience less physical pain from certain conditions. I have RA and I know that when I’m happy, active, and productive, my pain level is more manageable. So this isn’t a hum. I know how this works and I’m qualified to judge that it does.

When I read this, I thought about what a good mood I’ve been in. It’s been at least this past week, but it might actually go back to when we started dog-sitting. If this positivity is a side effect of living with pets, I might need to get my own dog.

Anyway, after I read the article, I decided that I wanted to actively pursue a positive mood while writing. I decided to listen to a GOT7 album or watch an M/V every day before I set in to write or edit. Sometimes I write with it in the background.

If something makes you happy, it has value. I feel kind of silly saying that something that unfailingly makes me intensely happy is KPop, but it does.

That song about a dysfunctional relationship makes me happy. It’s the choreography.

It is a joy to watch people move like that. Sometimes when I watch big dance numbers, either in M/Vs or Bollywood movies, I cry. I can barely walk most days, but I love dance.

It was just a joke, but I went ahead and did it. My good mood has persisted. I want this to be who I am all the time.

Editing Sof Ha’olam Smola is going insanely well. It’s a lot of work, but I know what I’m doing. I have invaluable beta feedback. That gave me a direction, and now the biggest thing I’m working on is repairing a weakness I’ve always worried about.

I was up til half past 2 writing a 2156 word note planning revisions. I remember way back in (what, July?) when I was worried about Itamar’s character development and motivations. I’m finally confident that I have it well in hand.

Right now, the MS is flawed. But it’s sort of glorious, because I know what’s wrong with it. I know what’s wrong with it and I know how to fix it. I’ve trimmed 3000 words in tightening the prose and removing superfluous words.

I might actually have this done by November. WHICH WOULD BE PERFECT BECAUSE I HAVE THE BEST IDEA. Seriously excited about this.

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​ Finally got to see the Aquabats!

optimistic

Listening to: Hello, Good Night – The Aquabats!

It’s been a really good few days.

owenandhubby

We took Owen to a Provo Rooftop concert. It isn’t on the roof anymore, which is good because I need a wheelchair for such events. And enough people to found a village attended. :D It was absolutely amazing. Defies description. I have wanted to go to an Aquabats concert for literally years. The fact that I was able to go despite crippling arthritis and social anxiety is life-affirming.

I had to stand on my wheelchair to see, which is the most painful thing that I have ever done to get something I wanted. My feet fell asleep from the pain. I did not know that was possible, but it certainly made it difficult to stand. We got ice cream after the show and the weirdest thing happened: I didn’t want it. It just paled in comparison. Not in a depressing Nothing Will Ever Be As Good As What Just Happened way, but in a gratifying I’m Good, Thanks sort of way.

When we got home, it was about midnight (Provo is only an hour away) and I couldn’t sleep. Remember that incredibly daunting scene I was procrastinating over? I wrote it that night. Just banged it out. Then I couldn’t sleep until 3, just planning the next chapter and playing games and hanging out with myself.

The next day, I had pretty much lost my voice and I couldn’t move to get out of bed. That was kind of awesome too. I just kept listening to Alestorm play Hangover on repeat. I didn’t want to burn myself out on Aquabats, so I haven’t listened to them until today. Also still recovering arthritis-wise. I had to type this on my iPad. ^^;

Anyway, the story continues well. Last night, I was getting frustrated with the pacing, so I tried journaling. I made a time line for the roughly two-week period that covers the next four or five chapters. A lot of important stuff happens, and I realised that when I use up this outline (as in fully convert to actual writing) I will be halfway through the book.

I have such a good rhythm going. I write every day, even if all I have time to do is revise or make notes. The major hurdle right now is the event that will likely mark the halfway point. Certain things have to happen before that, but the bulk of the paranormal elements occur after. I’m paranoid about this getting boring or the romance trying to resolve itself before time. I have a lot of supporting characters who can’t get lost in the shuffle.

First draft. Just gotta keep telling myself that.

The good things don’t stop either. After I finished my outline, the subject of Dune came up. (Hubby and I were up quite late, just talking) I told him (again) that he should read Dune Messiah. That book always makes me think of my amazing summer in Oregon. It’s been six years, but I still go back and read the book-related entries sometimes. Dune Messiah, Everything is Illuminated, and The Sword. Especially The Sword. I bought a copy because I need to read it again.

I’ve ask been watching Paddington again. I have missed that little bear. I’m almost done watching all of the original shorts and today I watched the film with Owen. (Well, he was there for part of it.) I’m such a sap that I cried twice near the end.

I’m so happy right now. I don’t feel like nothing upsetting could touch me. I just feel so blissfully fulfilled and… Content.

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Notebook Experiment Day 0

Wow, that sounds almost entirely unlike what it’s meant to be. Ah well.

It’s been a while since I managed to write the “auditions,” and I’m sure it’s been noticeable that I was barely able to do that, thanks to being busy, and due to the same reason, I haven’t had a chance to follow up with my “callbacks” either. This is because of family things that keep happening. :) Yesterday my brother and his fiancée had a big thing, and we helped by babysitting Abbie, and then we stayed all day for the rest of the celebrating.

No, really. We got home sometime after midnight.

We were able to get a nap or two (hubby got two), and went to the store to pick up a different type of formula than Owen’s had. He still has some of the old one to finish, but he’s doing really well sleeping when he wants to and not on a schedule. On Friday night, he slept from about 23:00 to 6:00. I didn’t, so it was interesting to wake up and see that he was fast asleep.

Anywho. Since I have about sixty books I need to read (no joke, I’m pretty sure it’s sixty), and there are still more family things in the very near future (open house today, wedding next week, I think there’s at least one more wedding and then an expected baby), I’ve got to take matters in hand regarding those auditions.

So I’m going to work on them in my notebook. It’s an experiment, because I’m going to try to do at least 1-3 pages a day. I have very small handwriting and still have problems with my hands, so this should be interesting. Then I’ll write up/about my progress here.

I might not get to start until tomorrow, though, since we do have places to be. Tomorrow, I’m going to go help take care of Abbie again, but it will be possible to write at least a page.

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Uneasy

Today should have probably been quite nice from the start, but small things keep on happening. I hope that just means that the rest of it’s going to be great.

…I say “small things,” but really some of them were a bit mountainous. This morning Owen scratched my eye–the cornea–and that was relatively small, though I certainly didn’t think so at the time. A few hours later, we went to the pharmacy to pick up the enbrel (at bloody last), only to find that our insurance did not cover enough of it.

That was a big deal, and a lot of it’s my fault. No matter how I glare at the stupid medical assistant (or whatever she is). I should have signed up for Enbrel Support weeks ago, and had my card ready. With it, we would not have had to pay for the medication because ES helps people like me. The only thing I can say in my defence is that the medication took so long to go from “You’re cleared” to “Pick it up” that I grew into a misunderstanding regarding ES. Everything has come to depend on my waiting for this bloody medicine. Including something that was supposed to come first.

So… over $800. Not something one wants to pay once a month.

Like an idiot, I paid it, too stunned to do anything else, and well aware that I see my rheumatologist tomorrow. No time even for that stupid nurse’s visit I was supposed to have last week. Then I went about damage control.

I signed up for ES, and found it to be completely painless. Almost scary in its ease. They even provided a temporary card since I had lost the one in the brochure. Lost the brochure, too. Sigh. Anyway, we went back with the printed-out temp card and the very nice pharmacist worked around some other problems and basically refunded the money spent and re-billed the medication with my ES information.

Oh yeah, and today should have been good because it’s our anniversary. I forget which one, we’re soul mates so we were born married to each other. <3 My mum is babysitting Owen–she took him to her house a few hours ago, early so that she wouldn’t have to drive from one city to another. I thought I might like the time to myself, but other than being so relieved that I passed out on the couch, I’ve mostly just felt separation anxiety. I am such a dork.

Things will pick up. I want to believe that once I see my rheumy and learn how to inject the enbrel, I’ll feel better. Right now, I just kind of feel like weeping, between being on the edge of relief and the aforementioned separation anxiety. I also can’t breathe, since my cricoarytenoid is swollen.

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Planning Stages

Quick post before I forget and because I’m working on something bigger for upcoming days. Hopefully tomorrow.

I ran a few ideas by my hubby, and there were a couple that he seemed to like the cut of their jib. I’m still working on this whole getting out of a rut thing, and it’s not the most fun process. I feel jerky every time I mention it, but I can hardly leave off mentioning it in the daily journal I keep. Now can I.

Today was not one of Owen’s best days either. He needed more sleep than usual, or so I think now, and wasn’t eating much, which always brings back bad memories of when that problem was keeping our family separated. He was super fussy, which is not normal for him, and he keeps getting this gunk in his eye. At least twice today he needed me to clear it up with a wet cloth so that he could open his eye and stop freaking out. Poor thing.

He sees his doctor on Monday. We will soldier on.

…we kind of have to, really. My medical issues are getting stupid yet again. I feel much better, but methotrexate does not cut it, which we already knew. The phone call was a pack of lies, apart from my needing to get hep B and C tests. Now we’re waiting on the flipping medical assistant to do her job like she said she already did.

I want to be insulting, but the evening is getting on, and I have to be up in 90 minutes.